A bunch of rambling

I write blog posts all the time.  Unfortunately for my poor neglected blog, they are all in my head while I am jogging.  But let me tell ya, I am brilliant in my head.  But by the time I get a few spare moments in the evening, all I want to do is sit on my couch and stare at the wall.  

But yet there are so many posts I want to write.  I want to write all about the struggles with raising Destructo but also the joys.  The firsts for Owl and also the lasts.  And yet I open a blog post and get writers block like whoa.

But the blog post that has been swirling around in my head while I jogged this week is one about marriage.  And yes you read that right, I started jogging again.  I plan on running the Zoo run run again the beginning of next year.  I am excited and hope to do slightly better than my last time from 2013.

My husband travels a lot for work and I am home alone with my two hellion wild children.  In fact last month he was actually gone half the month.  That means days stretch into endless nights and nights stretch into never ending days and this goes on and on.  So when he comes home exhausted and just wanting to spend time with his family, all I want to do is be like see ya I am out enjoy your progeny.  

And then I get caught up in a movie about the history of AIDS.  And the blog post comes to a screeching halt.  I truly picked the right field to get into back before I became a poop butt wiper/taxi cab driver/lego builder extraordinaire.  I will probably go back to medical research one day.  And with that stay tuned for my actual blog post about marriage tomorrow.

The bouncers and swayers

I stood in church this past Sunday and bounced and swayed a fussy Oliver.  Church falls right at his nap time and this makes it immensely harder than it needs to be.  But I don't want to not go to church as a family.  So we go.  

We sit in the angel cry room.  My kids are far from angels so this always gives me a little case of the giggles.  This particular Sunday as I was bouncing Oliver to keep him from shrieking I happened to notice all the other mothers that were doing the mom bounce/sway right along with me.  I felt such a kinship with all these women, most of whom I don't know.

These women are tired.  They probably fought the I'm hungry, hot, thirsty, my blankets aren't right excuses the night before just like I did.  They probably stayed up too late just to get a little quiet alone time.  They were probably woken by scared toddlers or hungry babies all through out the night.  Just like me.

They probably woke up to the joyful sounds of a screaming baby demanding to be freed from their captivity of the crib.  They might have wrangled a bucking bronco toddler to get a clean diaper on his or her butt.  Stood in front of the fridge wondering what to fix for breakfast.  Again.  Every single morning these dang kids need to be fed.  But wait first they would have had to clear the dinner dishes off the table because she was so exhausted the night before she just couldn't.

They chase preschoolers and toddlers around trying to put them in their church clothes.  All while telling them the importance of going to church because face it, they would rather be outside playing.  Her kids are well dressed while she throws on clean clothes and brushes her teeth in five minutes because oh my gosh we are going to be late.

Then she stands with her fussy baby and bounces, sways, and rocks.  She is tired and can't hear a word the priest is saying but she is there.  Because in her heart she needs God and needs church.  Because if it wasn't for God she would run for the hills on the bad days.  Well God and cherry coke.  Definitely need caffeine.  

I could feel the exhaustion and weariness in these women's expressions but also the pure joy.  Raising my children to be God fearing productive members of society is going to be the biggest most heady thing I accomplish in my life.  While I think I can't keep doing this a lot of days, I wouldn't trade one second of it for the world.  

I am exhausted.  Just like all these nameless women I watched during church.  I am so bone weary tired some days I just don't know how I will keep up this frenetic pace without either going insane or just sitting down and never being able to get back up.   But I do.  Everyday I do.  God gives me the strength to keep on going.  And truly one day I will look back and give anything to go back to this crazy time.  

Fighting for Something I don't Want

As I have shared in this post, we have been in the process of having Destructo evaluated for behavioral issues and anxiety.  It is so surreal to be fighting so hard for a diagnosis that I don't want.  I don't want something to be "wrong" for lack of a better word with my son.  But on the other hand, if a diagnosis means insurance has to cover the therapy Destructo needs well I will fight without ceasing to get him that diagnosis.

We went back to the local children's hospital two weeks ago for another parenting and behavior clinic.  They recommended having Kai have a full psychological evaluation completed (which will happen in November.)  She said she sees some warning signs of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or a possible autism spectrum disorder (ASD.)  It is very clear he has a ton of anxiety that is affecting his daily life.  He doesn't eat well, sleep well, and has a lot of fears that have been popping up.  

Hearing he might have OCD made me want to cry.  While I haven't been formally diagnosed with OCD (because I don't want to spend the money to get that diagnosis) but the therapist I saw and my primary care doctor feel I have OCD.  I went on Zoloft for it back in the fall and that thank the Lord got my symptoms mainly under control.  I know that OCD can have a genetic component.  Way to make me feel like I gave my kid this.  

It is also hard because I know how badly OCD was messing up my life this fall.  I do not want to ever think about Destructo having to feel as badly as I felt when it was at its worst.  No mother ever wants her child to have to go through those kinds of things.  No mother wants to know her child might have a condition he has to deal with for the rest of his life.  But on the other hand, I have to fight to get him a diagnosis if that is what the future brings to get him any and all help to learn to cope with whatever that diagnosis might be. 

It is what it is has become my daily motto.  I can't change anything.  I just have to keep on keeping on.  Oh but I will say the ten minutes with the behaviorist was amazing because we got a velcro board schedule for Destructo.  I have always had a schedule but it was just paper.  Now he can take each thing off as he completes it to signal a transition.  Plus they are actually taking his schedule and making me a personalized picture for each item.  Yay!