Ohhh the mommy guilt

I never knew  that in becomming a mommy, I would also become the most guilt riddled person on the face of the earth.  I read a ton of books while I was pregnant, but they didn't quite touch on the fact that every decision you make regarding your child or parenting or even what food to feed the child for dinner would bring with it feelings of guilt and self doubt.

The biggest source of guilt for me is that of being a working mom.  While I like my job most days, I never want to leave my little baby behind.  The first few months were awful and resulted in me crying on the way to work most Mondays and feeling a dull ache in my stomach every Sunday evening as I laid Destructo down knowing that it was another four days before I would be able to spend good quality time with him. This also had something to do with a bit of PPD most likely.

The sadness at having to work has gotten better as he has gotten older and more troublemaker some.  Some days I even love escaping to work to have peace and quiet and a chance to eat and pee all by myselffffff (said in my best Celine Dion voice.)  But the guilt is always there bubbling up when I least expect it.

I feel guilty over mommy and baby play dates.  I am in an awesome mom's group and a bonus was that it meets on Fridays when I am off so I can actually attend.  But they do lots of during the week play dates and Destructo never gets to go.  Pool parties, Easter egg hunts, Christmas caroling at the nursing home all missed because I was at work. 

By the time I get home in the evening, it is nearly dinner time.  I have a bit of a commute (30 miles) but with traffic, it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 1/2 hours.  So I am almost always gone 10+ hours per day.  It was awful when he was a very little baby because he would be taking his last nap of the day when I got home and would usually sleep the first hour I was home.  Then he would be awake for maybe two hours before he went to bed for the night.  I hated those days.  Now at least he has dropped his afternoon nap and is awake the entire time I am home.  But it is still not good quality time as I have errands to run, dinner to cook, cleaning to do, and then the bedtime rush of bath, snack, PJ's, etc.

There is other guilt not related to working as well.  When we have days like this, I yell more than I would like and lose my cool more than I wish I would.  Days were Destructo's sole life mission is to destroy my house, hit me and the dog, scream and throw massive tantrums, and refuse to eat are not my crowning moments as a mom.  When I lay in bed at night on these days, I feel such guilt because Destructo is just a baby/toddler and deserves better than to be yelled at or scolded constantly.

I feel guilty when he eats a less than healthy dinner.  I try my very best to cook healthy and balanced meals for him.  But alas I am only human and some days are just pizza days or grilled cheese nights.  When we are out running errands all day and paying bills, I will sometimes feed him something from a fast food restaurant (although I do try to make it a healthier option if possible) but oh the guilt.  I am pretty sure I gave myself an ulcer the other day as I watched him eat a chicken nugget meal from a restaurant complete with powerade to drink (okay it was water with a splash of powerade to fool him, I could not completely give in lol.)  But let me tell you, he was the happiest camper on the block that night so it almost made it worth it.

The guilt starts creeping up when he sees a toy he really loves in the store and I tell him no.  Now this guilt I can easily live with because I am raising my son to know that you can't have everything in life that one wants and that frugal living is a good way to live.  But it still twinges since I want to give him everything in the world that he wants and needs.

One of my least favorite guilt monsters is when I for whatever reason have to ignore my son's cries.  Nothing breaks a mothers heart like listening to her child screaming and not being able to fix it.  Kai has some huge crocodile tears when he gets sent to his chair (aka time out) for being naughty.  I know I can't go to him and smother him in hugs, but the sobs literally hurt me.  Or when he is sobbing at 3 AM because he wants to play.  The worst tears are the don't go to work mommy tears.  Luckily for me my wonderful family is keeping him so this is far and few between most days he is pushing me out the door to work.

The mommy guilt strikes again when he wakes up poopy and has a bad rash because he pooped sometime in the middle of the night.  As his mother, I should have telepahtically known this and immediately changed him.  Or what about when you are driving and your child is sobbing because they don't want to be in the car seat anymore.  Of course they have  to because it is what is in the child's best interest, but it still sucks to see the tears.  Immunizations were awful for the mommy guilt.  I know that the shots hurt, but they are in my child's best interest.

So what can you do about the mommy guilt?  Well here are some things I have done that have helped me in the past to overcome  some of the guilt.
 1)  I tell myself I am not choosing to be away from my son.  I am choosing to earn money to feed, clothe, diaper, etc him.  Looking at it that way makes it much easier for me to leave him each and every work day.
2)  I try to spend at least 10-15 minutes as soon as I get home loving on him and nursing him and playing with him. It isn't much, but at least it gives us a chance to reconnect.  (Breastfeeding is wonderful for this.)
3)  I try to set up playdates on Fridays with mommy friends.  That way he at least gets around other kids and we do fun things and that makes me feel better about all the play dates we miss.
4)  I also try to do one craft or fun activity that is just for him.  We go to the zoo or local science center since we have memberships and it is free.  Or we do a craft on the weekend or go exploring in the garden etc.
5)  I try to remember that for every not as good meal I feed him, there are ten balanced and healthy meals to make up for it.  I also will try to make up a veggie to go with the pizza for example to assuage my guilt just a bit.
6)  When he is crying and I can't comfort him, I just tell myself that I am trying to raise a well behaved gentlman not a heathen bad boy.  This make me feel a little better since I know that I am doing it for his best interest.
7)  Even when he is fussing and throwing fits in the middle of the night, I will at some point go to him and check to make sure everything is okay and that he isn't poopy or what not.   I have learned the difference in his I am just fussing because I don't want to sleep or I need you mommy cries and never ignore the important cries.
8)  I also always do bedtime with him.  We read books and rock in his chair and I sing him his special song.  That way even though it is only a few minutes a day during the week, he gets my undivided attention.

So what mommy guilt monsters haunt you?  What do you guys do to tame the mommy guilt?


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