As I Sit Rocking my Son

Last night Destructo decided to wake up crying right as I was about to drift off to sleep. All mothers know that this truly is the most dreaded wake up call. You are all relaxed and warm and cozy and bam instant groggy alertness.  So I went in and was rocking him and probably rocked him far longer than I needed to.  It hit me even more in that instant that when I am old and gray, I will never wish I had slept a little bit more.  I will remember those nights cuddled with my little boy in the glider rockie rocking the night and all its scary monsters away.

Then immediately after this realization, Destructo in a moment of uncharacteristic calm and sweetness reached up and put his hand on my cheek and smiled at me.  This nearly brought tears to my eyes.  But the thoughts that followed had me literally crying.

I had flashbacks from my pregnancy and the first year of his life and the last three months of toddler hood.  I saw all his firsts.  His first smile, his first army crawling, his first steps.  (And let me just send a shout out to the big man in Heaven for letting me be there for all of his major firsts.  I really struggled with PPD and horrible anxiety and guilt over being a working mom Destructo's first year of life.  I would have been devastated to miss Destructo's first steps and luckily it was minutes after I got home from work one day.)

Then my sleepy mind had a mind time warp thing going on and I could see all the milestones yet to come.  Kai's first hair cut (which really means he isn't a baby anymore.)  The terrible twos. His first day of preschool.  Kindergarten.  Sports (you know soccer and hockey of course.)  Middle school.  Hitting double digits on his birthday.  His first school dance.  High school.  His first date (when he is thirty of course.)  Prom.  Graduation.  Going away to college.  His first serious relationship.  Engagement and marriage.  My first grandchild.

In theory, I have at least 20 more years until some of these milestones happen.  But if his entire first nearly year and a half can literally blaze by in the blink of an eye, so too will the next twenty years.  As I thought about all these milestones, I can picture Kai in them.  Screaming and hitting when we have to get his hair cut because he hates sitting still (and is it ever curly hair since this momma can't stand the thought of cutting it.)  Wearing his little backpack so excited for all the adventures of preschool.  Telling me about his new best friend that he made on the first day of kindergarten and  how they got to have cookies for snack.

I see him running down a soccer field and scoring a goal, looking into the stands for me to give him a thumbs up.  (Or the alternative vision to this is if Mr. Destructo gets his way and turns our son into the next hockey champ him wobbly on his ice skates taking his first skating lessons.)  Being nervous on the night before middle school starts about getting a locker and having to change classes for the first time but being too cool a boy to admit he is nervous.  Watching him shyly ask a girl to dance at his first school dance (that of course this momma bear is chaperoning.)

High school and the teen years fill me with dread.  Watching him leave the house on his first date, catching him kissing his first girl (when he is 30 let me repeat that,)  and knowing fully well my grip on my little boy is ending and another lovely lady will one day fill the top spot in his heart.  Seeing him all smiles in his tux asking to borrow his dad's nice vehicle to pick up his prom date (and this could also be laughable seeing we like to drive cars until they no longer drive.)  Okay let's rethink that thought asking Grandpa to borrow his Camaro to pick up his prom date.  I see sitting up all night waiting to make sure he safely comes home after Prom and worrying about whether he is making the right choices at the party he will most likely attend. Graduation day in his cap and gown and yellow cords (you know because he is graduating with honors of course.)

I see him getting in his car that while nothing special he loves and driving away to college.  I also see me following right behind to help him settle into his dorm room and clucking around like a mother hen to make sure everything is perfect before I leave.   I can just hear his voice, no longer the voice of a child calling to tell me he is going to bring a girl home for us to meet and knowing in my heart that she is the one God has set aside to be Kai's wife.  I picture seeing the ring he has picked out for his soon to be fiancee and advising him to make sure he asks her dad for permission.  (Mr. Destructo did this with my dad and I expect my son to do this as well.)

I see Destructo in his tux and the look of love on his face as his blond haired bride walks down the aisle.  I see their first kiss as a married couple.  (And yes in my imaginings his wife has blond hair.  If you have ever met Kai, you know why!)  I can just imagine my excitement when I hear the words you are going to be a grandma.  I picture holding my baby grandchild in my arms and being transported to that day many years ago when I held my own newborn son.  I can just picture picking out the features that my grandchild acquired from Destructo.

This will be me in a few decades staring at my first grandchild

And after all this imagining and half an hour of rockie rocking, I literally was in tears.  As my tears rolled down my cheeks onto Destructo's face, I only had one thought thank goodness Mr. Destructo is already asleep because he would make so much fun of me for being a sappy, sentimental woman.  (And now he is going to know all about this if he ever gets on here and reads this.)  My time traveling of last night will help me to remember even on the horrible days how fleeting this time God gives us with little children really is and that I should laugh even when everything is going wrong.  I won't be able to hold his hand forever, but I will cherish it while I can.

John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

This post is linked up at:
Modest Monday 
Mommy Moments 
My Pregnancy Journal 
Titus 2sday 
Tuesday Baby Link Up  
Women Helping Women